Fear

 Today I came to a bittersweet realization: I realized what my biggest fear is. I always thought that it was a fear of commitment, but it turns out it is even deeper than that. My biggest fear is failure. It is what prevents me from trying new things. It constrains me in relationships. It makes me a mediocre Christian. I choose to not share my faith because I am afraid I will fail and not be able to successfully converse with them about my beliefs. If I say one wrong thing they could be turned off from Christ completely. Either that or it will deepen their belief that they can out-smart a Christian. God will convict me to talk to a random person and I immediately come up with ten reasons I shouldn't talk to them. "I don't know them. That is socially unacceptable. They will think I'm weird. I have to get to class. They are walking the other direction as me. Its not the Holy Spirit, its just a random feeling." I keep walking, convincing myself that its no big deal and eventually get over it. I love my life, because its comfortable. I love playing frisbee because I know I am good at it. I love exercising because I know I succeed every single time I try.  
                                               My abilities give me confidence.
 I feel so low right now knowing that is the way I think and that I have been living this way for so long. My way of living is completely contradictory to the calling of Christ. His power is made perfect in our weaknesses (2 Cor. 12:9-10), which give us all the more power to boast in them. God worked so explicitly in the Scriptures in people's lives, carefully crafted so that there was no way He couldn't get glory. One of the two aspects of the Chief End of Man is to glorify God (the other being to enjoy him forever). And yet I refuse to act unless I know I am capable of it, thus bringing me glory. The sinful nature of my thoughts have made me completely reverse the Biblical mandate to bring Him glory and made me justify my actions, convincing me I'm still living a "Godly" life.

 But it is never too late to turn things around. I have failed so far, but God works even in our failures. The first step has been to recognize this in my life, and now I need to change the way I see each opportunity each day. God will never call us into a situation that: 1 - He has not already been through and conquered and 2 - He has not already given us the strength to succeed in. I have not been willing to make myself look like an idiot for the kingdom. Not an idiot in God's eyes, but an idiot in the worlds eyes. To break all social constraints and make myself completely transparent, eradicating all my darkness, and allowing the Father to shine His light that is within me.

 I implore all who read this to assess the way we view our impact in the Kingdom. If it is even 1% our ability and 99% God's ability, then we have not surrendered enough.